Corky’s Journey of Self Care

Let’s review last week’s goals:

Make and stick to a routine.

Though I came up with a routine that I thought I would be able to work with, I just couldn’t stick to it! It was easy enough to take more showers, exercise more, add healthy eating, and doing more chores, but getting those tasks to stick to a specific time proved to be more than just one week could tackle. Though this is something I desperately need to do for me, I found that it was too hard to put aside what others needed or expected from me to be able to get the things done that I needed to do for myself.

I think to help ease this process this week, when I try again, I am going to switch my current schedule from a night shift life (Which is what James works) to a day shift schedule. This will not affect James and me too much. The only days that it will really affect us is on his days off. Unfortunately, I am going to have to make some kind of concession to make this kind of routine work for me, and I really feel it is necessary to help get my mental health back on track.

One of the things I said last week that I wanted to start doing was taking my blood pressure and blood sugar so that I could track it. I have been taking my pressure and sugar (as well as my weight) every morning after I wake up and go to the bathroom. The first day of the results really surprised me. My blood pressure was pretty much spot on with a resting pulse that needs some work, but my blood sugar was terrible. (not the worst I’d ever seen it, but high enough most people probably would have gone to the hospital for it) We had been eating healthier, and I’d drank nearly nothing but water for weeks, so I really was not expecting it to be so high. The next day when I took it, it was still pretty elevated, and I was getting pretty upset. I remember saying to James, “I just don’t understand. I barely ate anything yesterday, and now it has been well over 12 hours since I have had anything to eat at all.”

I got so overwhelmed. I just really didn’t understand what else I could do. I was already doing everything I could think of to get healthier. Here I was, still very sick. I felt like I was doing all of these changes, and they were all too little too late.

So, I do what I always do when faced with a problem. I squared my shoulders and tried approaching the thing from a different angle. I read and researched for a few days on diabetes and how to control it. I learned that though it is absolutely right that you have to watch what you eat, it is also just as vital that you do eat. In fact, it is essential that you eat relatively the same calories and carb intake at nearly the exact same time each day. You should make sure to eat something at a minimum of every 3 hours to ensure that your blood sugar levels do not drop or rise too quickly. Skipping meals can actually cause your blood sugar to spike due to the storage of glucose in your liver that is released when you haven’t eaten for a while. This spike will cause your pancreases to produce insulin, which then tells your body to store fat, causing you to gain weight instead of losing it like you would assume skipping meals might help you do.

The thought of the moment is that this means that it is now more critical than ever that I can get a good routine and stick to it. I need to be able to eat at the same time every day. This has got to become my priority!

I am trying to make incremental changes to our life. Do a few things differently each week instead of trying to change it all at once. I feel like I always make this massive list of all of these bad habits that I have that I need to dump and this other list of all these new habits I want to add. I try to change my entire life all at once, and it works for a week to a month or so and then boom, I just quit. I get overwhelmed. I hate how hard everything is all of a sudden, and I just stop doing all of it. To avoid this burnout, I am trying to make smaller changes a little at a time. That being said, now looking at my chunky thighs, mental health, and blood sugar levels, I want just to tell myself to suck it up and MAKE ALL THE CHANGES NOW! Again, I don’t think that is sustainable in the long run, but some habits are things that need to be changed right away. So, I made a realistic list of things that I can do to help in the most significant ways now.

So, in the spirit of doing the things that are best for me: routine, controlled eating, moving more. I have decided to start doing meal prep again. This means that I am making a week’s worth of food in a day and having that food ready and at hand so that there is no thinking necessary, and I can eat at the right times more efficiently. The real problem with this is that I notoriously HATE leftovers.

I have been trying to convince myself that it was made to be reheated and that it’s not “leftover” but a tv dinner type situation. I have a week’s worth of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks in my fridge, freezer, and cupboards. We have been eating the prepped food the last few days, and it seems to be going ok.

A note about my meal prep:

In an RV, meal prep is a nightmare! Not only is there no space and I am using a toaster oven for most of my prep, having enough food for 2 people in our tiny fridge/freezer is not super practical, to say the least.

Another thing is that counting calories and carbs is hard. So, while I am making our menus, I have to ensure that James and I have balanced meals for our diabetes, but I also need to ensure that I am not overeating and that he is eating enough. It is so stressful! There is a ton of math (Yuck!) and a lot of adjusting needed! Not only is this frustrating and overwhelming, but it is also costly.

We went from eating MAYBE 2 meager meals a day to eating 3 meals and 3 snacks of high protein and fresh produce. It has increased our grocery budget by more than 50%. Mealtime has become more of a hassle, costly, and stressful than it ever should be!

Let’s play a small numbers game, for example. Last week I spent just over $160 on groceries. If we use that as a baseline for what I will need each week, that means that every 4 weeks will cost us around $640. Mind you, some of the items on that list are staple items like brown rice that will not be purchased each week. Now keeping those costs in mind, you might be able to understand where this next thought process came from.

I looked into Nutrisystem. They have a diabetic plan. It comes pre-prepped, pre-caloried, pre-carbed. I just eat what they say on the day and time they say it and boom. Easy. I was so ready for this! The plan they recommended for me was around $250/month, and the program they suggested for James was around $300/month. The problem is that this was only 3 meals and 1 snack a day for 5 days a week. We would need to add fresh produce for those meals, and still buy 8 meals every 4 weeks beyond the meals provided.

So while it would be more convenient, and sounds fantastic, I just am not sure we can afford to pay for the meal plans, plus 8 days of other meals, and produce with the remaining $100. I have decided that I am going to keep our grocery receipts for the next few weeks, and then I will average what it costs us each week for our food and weigh the costs vs. efforts. After this point, I will revisit the idea of Nutrisystem. Another thought to remember with Nutrisystem is that the containers are disposable/recyclable, and I wouldn’t really have to wash them, which will save me even more time and hassle.

I did start a different diet program at the beginning of last week called Noom. I did the $1 trial and have decided it is worth the money and will continue to complete the program. Here is a referral link if you want to check it out. This link will give you 20% off! https://friends.noom.com/YVZQUVM3SDREOmNm I have really loved this program so far.

One of the things it is helping me do is incrementally increase my daily steps. Though living in an RV and usually keeping a 3^rd shift life with no car really makes getting those steps in very challenging. I have met my goals so far by adding exercises that have steps included in them. I am also switching my schedule to the daytime, which should help!

On a side note: If you have a Samsung watch and you push the grocery cart when shopping, your watch will not accurately track the steps that you take.

Due to adding walking, jogging, and aerobics to my daily tasks, I have experienced some extreme leg pain this week!!

Another issue I have run into with the added steps is blisters on the bottoms of my feet from walking on the hem of my pants and from holes that were in the soles of my shoes. To remedy this, I got two new pairs of yoga pants that don’t go past my ankles and a pair of new shoes. To accompany those purchases, I also picked up two water wicking shirts and two good quality sports bras to help keep the girls in place when jogging. (It is really surprising how much pain you feel in your boobs the next day if your bra was not up to the job!)

While we are talking about some of the downsides of adopting a healthier lifestyle such as leg pain and blisters, I also want to take a moment to just briefly mention a side effect that most people won’t talk about to you. The bathroom. Moving around more, eating healthier, adding fiber, drinking more than a gallon of water all equal WAY more time in the bathroom every day! I know this will eventually all even back out, but it can be an uncomfortable and unexpected challenge when changing certain aspects of your life!!!

Another thing that Noom has you do that is causing me some mental distress is, weigh daily. I know some programs recommend weighing weekly, monthly, or even never! Every day is just tough for me to take with all the fluctuations that happen. Though, overall, I have lost 1 pound this week. So that is exciting. I have also dropped my fasting blood sugars by about 25%.

Side note: I really need to take my measurements. I know that using that to help track my progress had really helped me stay confident in my progress in the past when the scale wasn’t showing me what I needed to see.

Another thing that Noom does is work on the psychology of weight problems. This week we have been working on different thought triggers that we have. I have learned some of my triggers, which helps me to make action plans for when I am faced with those issues.

Another real struggle for me over the last week has been my sleep. I have a problem where I sometimes stay up for a couple of days with no rest and then sleep ten or twelve hours to make up. This can set me into a depressive episode, and I really need to work on it. Unfortunately, without a set routine, bedtime is hard to set as well. Regulated sleep can help me lose weight and can help my blood sugar even out. It is definitely something I need to prioritize. It makes getting my routine set in stone even more crucial.

This week’s focus will be on trying to work on reinforcing my routine. I am going to keep up with my meal prep and try to sleep more regularly. I also am going to check out a counseling program that is offered through my school to see if that can help me with some of my mental health issues. I am also going to work on really standing up for myself and my need for certain things in my self-care plan.

Before I let you all go for the week, I wanted to share a cute story about my puppy!

A thorn in the paw!

One day I put my puppy on the leash, and he and I headed out for a two-mile walk. We standardly walk in loops around the property where we live. It takes about three circles to make a mile. Anyway, he and I are on about our fourth loop when he starts to limp and then stops to chew his paw. Of course, I’m concerned. I check his paw and see that a leaf is sticking down between his toes. I tried to pull the leaf out just to realize it wasn’t the issue; it was just stuck to the real problem, a goat’s head. (for those that do not know a goat’s head is a type of burr, sticker, or thorn from a weed. It has two long spikes that have a toxin in them and then hundreds of other smaller sharp spines too)

I try to get him to lay down on the ground while holding his leash (he likes to run away when not on the leash, so not dropping it is critical). When I try to take the sticker out, he jerks his leg, and I pull away, not wanting to get the burr stuck in me as well. Eventually, I have to straddle him on my knees and pull his back leg up in a secure way so that he can not pull it back. Tears are rolling down my face because he’s crying and biting at my arm. I remember thinking that he must have been trying to pull my arm off because he evidently thought that is what I was doing to his leg.

After what seemed like forever but was actually only a few minutes, I was able to get the thorn out of his paw. He immediately jumped on me, licking and barking and wagging his tail enthusiastically. I had done it. I had saved his paw, and the world was right again! What a relief. His foot was ok, and he didn’t hate me.

We have walked a few times in the yard since then with no thorn issues, but just to be safe, I also checked out some other places we can walk. For example, in my local park, they have built a one-mile walking trail. We visited that today and Ranger loved it!

I will post more updates next week on my efforts. I’m sorry that this week’s update was late! Have a great weekend.

So, though I am jumping on the get healthy bandwagon again, it is coming from a self-care place, not a get skinny place. I am going to be furthering my self-care/self-love goals this year.

Though this will include eating healthier and being more active, the main focus for me will be getting to a healthier place mentally and emotionally.

I know (for those of you who have followed my fitness goals before) I have touched on this a little in the past, but after a large amount of changes and loss my life has gone through in the last 9 months or so, my mental and emotional health has declined even further. I realize that you cannot fix something from the outside in. No matter how fit or physically healthy I am, if I am depressed and hate who I am fundamentally, I am going to continue to make similar choices with my eating habits.

So I guess my first steps are going to be to make some very (seemingly) simple changes to my day. I am going to list them here for y’all to read. I remind each of you that this is not a place for judgment. I am going out of my comfort zone by putting some of my mental health issues out for the public to see.

Daily Goals

1. Eat 3 meals a day
2. Take medication twice a day
3. Track my blood pressure and blood sugar at least once a day
4. Daily hygiene: Shower, brush teeth, brush hair
5. Sleep at least 7 hours but not more than 9 hours

Some notes for you, my readers:

1. Though I am obese, I don’t actually eat tons of food in a day. What I do eat is standardly calorie dense, easy to grab, and terrible for you. This goal is to eat at least 3 meals. Food that I need to prepare. Not a candy bar, a handful of chips, or pasta microwave cup.
2. Though I don’t take many medications any more, there are a few that I still take for my wellbeing. I have a bad habit of taking the drugs that I need until I start feeling more like myself. Despite my feeling better, I need to remember that to continue to feel better, I need to continue to take my medicine.
3. Even when I am feeling better, and things seem to be going fine, I need to remember that tracking my health is just as important. Knowing when my blood sugar and blood pressure are abnormal can help me to realize why I am having some fluctuations in my mood and mental stability.
4. Remember that it really doesn’t take that much time to shower. Also, showering and proper hygiene make me feel better in the long run. (more on this in a moment)
5. Not sleeping when you are manic is not healthy. Take the appropriate medication to sleep! Get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Sleeping more than 9 hours in a night is also unhealthy and leads to depressive episodes. Sleep balance and consistency are essential.

Once I have gotten these tasks mastered, I want to add in a few other daily or weekly items too:

• Eat two snacks
• Work out
• Walk the dog
• Drink more water
• Do one chore a day
• Divide work into each day
• Divide school into each day
• Journal
• Affirmations
• Meditation
• Hobby

I don’t expect that I will be doing all of those EVERY day; however, I do need to try to balance my eating into 5 times a day for my diabetes. I need to add more physical activity because I am very sedentary with my job. My dog cant stay couped up in an RV. He is a cow dog and needs more exercise. I need to work on time management to balance home stuff, work stuff, school stuff, personal care stuff, and joy stuff!

I really want to work on all of these things, but here is my REAL problem!

I have a hard time making myself do these things.

Let me give you an example:

Remember the note by the hygiene goal? Ok, time to talk about taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and brushing my hair. (This is going to get really scary/gross without actually getting better so buckle up!)

You might find yourself amazed that this is on my list of things to get myself to do on a daily basis. Most people just do it. It’s part of their daily process, and they find time easily for it. Most people don’t hesitate to jump in the shower, get out, brush their teeth and hair, and go on about their day.

So maybe you are thinking, “Well, actually, I don’t ALWAYS shower EVERY day. I mean, there are weekends or sick days where I miss a day here or there.”

That is not the kind of problem I am dealing with here. Let’s look at this closer:

Some days showering is too much for me. Thinking about needing to shower makes me angry. It makes me cry. The stress and anxiety of needing to shower is just absolutely more of a responsibility than I can handle doing. So, I just don’t do it today. Which seems in a way to be caring for myself. Ya know, going easy on myself. Letting the little things slide.

Now it’s tomorrow. Guess what? I still need to shower. The problem is it is still just as maddening. I am still just as frustrated by the concept. The real problem is that now, it is even worse. Now I don’t just need to shower; I REALLY need to shower. That added need makes the stress and anxiety I feel about it even worse. I just can’t do it. I cry and cry. Then I just don’t do it today. Now we are moving into self-indulgence instead of self-care.

Here we are, and it is tomorrow again. I know you don’t need to guess it. I STILL need to shower. The fact is it is STILL more than I can mentally or physically handle. The thought alone makes me tremble and cry. When I almost get up the nerve to do it, I convince myself that I don’t actually have time to do this today. Then I start to worry about people judging me for not showering. I mean, two days with no shower is just too much. But not to worry, there is a way to avoid other people’s judgment! You just avoid other people altogether. So, I don’t talk to or visit anyone, and I don’t shower again today.

The length of time this process goes on for varies. Usually, 3 days is my max. By then, I can typically make myself do it. But to be honest, it has been much much much longer many times.

So, for a moment, set aside your abject horror at my lack of hygiene (I promise I showered today!), and read this next part.

When I finally take a shower, it feels amazing! I am clean! It didn’t take as long as I thought! It is almost like that dark cloud of anxiety and stress just washed away. My depression is less, and things seem a little easier for the rest of the day.

But then I sleep. My body resets, and no matter how much I remind myself of how good the shower was for me, I spin out of control in a spiral of what the heck ever brand of crazy I have and go into a full-blown panic attack over needing to take a dang shower.

The biggest problem is that it is not just a hygiene issue. Go back and replace the word shower with work, school, appointments, chores, grocery shopping, social outings, get-togethers, hobbies, reading, relationships, and any other aspect of life.

Other than seek counseling, which I NEED, but am not certain I can afford to do with no insurance. I am not really sure how to move forward in a better way.

So, my goal is to create a routine and try to stick to it.

I have read a lot about mental illness and self-care, and know that sticking to a routine can help people form stability in their lives. The consistency helps to create structure.

I am definitely not a doctor, but I am able to recognize that being frustrated with every aspect of being alive is not good. I know that I need to start making some kind of positive changes.

So this week, I am focusing on starting a new routine and trying to stick to a daily schedule.

I will give an update on this week’s goals soon. I might write a few notes here and there about the process, but I will provide a proper update on the whole process next week with a new set of small goals.

Hi, my name is Courtney. Most of my friends and family call me Corky. I am 32 years old. I live in an RV trailer with my fiancé, James, and my two pets (more like my children really) Ranger, an almost 2-year-old puppy, and my 16-year-old cat, Cabbage. I work from home as an SEO (search engine optimization) content writer. Basically, you could say I make my living from blogging! It is just a very different kind of blog than this one!

I am creating a space here to document a journey of self-care and self-love for me to look back on in the future, and to have others follow along. I know I always get this sense that I am all alone in my struggles and feel amazed when someone says they are going through something that is similar to an issue I am dealing with. So, as well as for reflective purposes, I am making this process public in case anyone else is going through similar things. This way, they can realize they are not alone in the struggle. I love feedback of all kinds and believe that we all need to be supporting, encouraging, and suggesting helpful things to one another on a regular basis.

Much that I write about will be centered around my struggle with self-care, and some of that will involve health issues, career goals, relationship trouble, family struggles, and more. I expect that this blog will be real and personal and too much for some people and not severe enough for others, and that’s ok. Mostly this is for me, and if you get something out of it along the way, great!

If you already know me, hello again! If this is your first time reading something I have wrote, and we have never met, welcome! Anything else that you need to know about me, you will learn as we go along!

Stay tuned! I will have an actual article more along the lines of what you can expect from me up in just a few minutes!