Let’s talk about self-care and mental health.

So, though I am jumping on the get healthy bandwagon again, it is coming from a self-care place, not a get skinny place. I am going to be furthering my self-care/self-love goals this year.

Though this will include eating healthier and being more active, the main focus for me will be getting to a healthier place mentally and emotionally.

I know (for those of you who have followed my fitness goals before) I have touched on this a little in the past, but after a large amount of changes and loss my life has gone through in the last 9 months or so, my mental and emotional health has declined even further. I realize that you cannot fix something from the outside in. No matter how fit or physically healthy I am, if I am depressed and hate who I am fundamentally, I am going to continue to make similar choices with my eating habits.

So I guess my first steps are going to be to make some very (seemingly) simple changes to my day. I am going to list them here for y’all to read. I remind each of you that this is not a place for judgment. I am going out of my comfort zone by putting some of my mental health issues out for the public to see.

Daily Goals

1. Eat 3 meals a day
2. Take medication twice a day
3. Track my blood pressure and blood sugar at least once a day
4. Daily hygiene: Shower, brush teeth, brush hair
5. Sleep at least 7 hours but not more than 9 hours

Some notes for you, my readers:

1. Though I am obese, I don’t actually eat tons of food in a day. What I do eat is standardly calorie dense, easy to grab, and terrible for you. This goal is to eat at least 3 meals. Food that I need to prepare. Not a candy bar, a handful of chips, or pasta microwave cup.
2. Though I don’t take many medications any more, there are a few that I still take for my wellbeing. I have a bad habit of taking the drugs that I need until I start feeling more like myself. Despite my feeling better, I need to remember that to continue to feel better, I need to continue to take my medicine.
3. Even when I am feeling better, and things seem to be going fine, I need to remember that tracking my health is just as important. Knowing when my blood sugar and blood pressure are abnormal can help me to realize why I am having some fluctuations in my mood and mental stability.
4. Remember that it really doesn’t take that much time to shower. Also, showering and proper hygiene make me feel better in the long run. (more on this in a moment)
5. Not sleeping when you are manic is not healthy. Take the appropriate medication to sleep! Get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Sleeping more than 9 hours in a night is also unhealthy and leads to depressive episodes. Sleep balance and consistency are essential.

Once I have gotten these tasks mastered, I want to add in a few other daily or weekly items too:

• Eat two snacks
• Work out
• Walk the dog
• Drink more water
• Do one chore a day
• Divide work into each day
• Divide school into each day
• Journal
• Affirmations
• Meditation
• Hobby

I don’t expect that I will be doing all of those EVERY day; however, I do need to try to balance my eating into 5 times a day for my diabetes. I need to add more physical activity because I am very sedentary with my job. My dog cant stay couped up in an RV. He is a cow dog and needs more exercise. I need to work on time management to balance home stuff, work stuff, school stuff, personal care stuff, and joy stuff!

I really want to work on all of these things, but here is my REAL problem!

I have a hard time making myself do these things.

Let me give you an example:

Remember the note by the hygiene goal? Ok, time to talk about taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and brushing my hair. (This is going to get really scary/gross without actually getting better so buckle up!)

You might find yourself amazed that this is on my list of things to get myself to do on a daily basis. Most people just do it. It’s part of their daily process, and they find time easily for it. Most people don’t hesitate to jump in the shower, get out, brush their teeth and hair, and go on about their day.

So maybe you are thinking, “Well, actually, I don’t ALWAYS shower EVERY day. I mean, there are weekends or sick days where I miss a day here or there.”

That is not the kind of problem I am dealing with here. Let’s look at this closer:

Some days showering is too much for me. Thinking about needing to shower makes me angry. It makes me cry. The stress and anxiety of needing to shower is just absolutely more of a responsibility than I can handle doing. So, I just don’t do it today. Which seems in a way to be caring for myself. Ya know, going easy on myself. Letting the little things slide.

Now it’s tomorrow. Guess what? I still need to shower. The problem is it is still just as maddening. I am still just as frustrated by the concept. The real problem is that now, it is even worse. Now I don’t just need to shower; I REALLY need to shower. That added need makes the stress and anxiety I feel about it even worse. I just can’t do it. I cry and cry. Then I just don’t do it today. Now we are moving into self-indulgence instead of self-care.

Here we are, and it is tomorrow again. I know you don’t need to guess it. I STILL need to shower. The fact is it is STILL more than I can mentally or physically handle. The thought alone makes me tremble and cry. When I almost get up the nerve to do it, I convince myself that I don’t actually have time to do this today. Then I start to worry about people judging me for not showering. I mean, two days with no shower is just too much. But not to worry, there is a way to avoid other people’s judgment! You just avoid other people altogether. So, I don’t talk to or visit anyone, and I don’t shower again today.

The length of time this process goes on for varies. Usually, 3 days is my max. By then, I can typically make myself do it. But to be honest, it has been much much much longer many times.

So, for a moment, set aside your abject horror at my lack of hygiene (I promise I showered today!), and read this next part.

When I finally take a shower, it feels amazing! I am clean! It didn’t take as long as I thought! It is almost like that dark cloud of anxiety and stress just washed away. My depression is less, and things seem a little easier for the rest of the day.

But then I sleep. My body resets, and no matter how much I remind myself of how good the shower was for me, I spin out of control in a spiral of what the heck ever brand of crazy I have and go into a full-blown panic attack over needing to take a dang shower.

The biggest problem is that it is not just a hygiene issue. Go back and replace the word shower with work, school, appointments, chores, grocery shopping, social outings, get-togethers, hobbies, reading, relationships, and any other aspect of life.

Other than seek counseling, which I NEED, but am not certain I can afford to do with no insurance. I am not really sure how to move forward in a better way.

So, my goal is to create a routine and try to stick to it.

I have read a lot about mental illness and self-care, and know that sticking to a routine can help people form stability in their lives. The consistency helps to create structure.

I am definitely not a doctor, but I am able to recognize that being frustrated with every aspect of being alive is not good. I know that I need to start making some kind of positive changes.

So this week, I am focusing on starting a new routine and trying to stick to a daily schedule.

I will give an update on this week’s goals soon. I might write a few notes here and there about the process, but I will provide a proper update on the whole process next week with a new set of small goals.